Life, Once Again!

She picked up Woofie, who immediately came over, and put her in her arms. The weight and temperature of the dog were transmitted to her. She yawned as she walked out to the living room. The sunlight was dividing the living room in half. She sat at the edge of the sofa where the sunlight just hit. It was quite warm, to the point that she didn’t need to turn on the boiler. She sat there in a daze for quite a while before turning on the TV. Weekend entertainment programs were being aired again. She watched the TV without thinking for a while before the dark corner of the living room caught her eye. It wasn’t that dark because of the seeping light, but it strangely ticked her off. She pushed the curtain to the end. The yellow light spread out even further, but that place was still a gloomy gray. She had a strange impulse to place a lamp there.

-The one who loses the game will not get lunch. Now then, get into your teams.

The people on TV got into a fight over food. Only then did she realize that it was time to eat lunch. She put on her indoor slippers and went to the kitchen. She took out some leftover kimbap from the fridge. She put some chives, egg, salt, and pepper in a bowl and started stirring it. The dogs reacted to the sound and came over.

“I’ll give you your food quickly.”

She put the stirred egg down and opened the cupboard. It seemed that she had to feed Woofie and Bullie first. If not, they would make whimpering sounds and keep staring at her. She poured an adequate amount of dog food into a bowl before putting it in front of the door to the bedroom. That was where the dogs ate. She watched the dogs without a word before pointing at the bowl and saying ‘eat.’ The two dogs, who had their stomachs on the ground, approached the food bowls. She petted the dogs once each before returning to the kitchen. She put some oil on a heated pan and put the kimbap drenched in the egg mixture. A joyful sizzling sound could be heard from the pan. She put grilled kimbap on a plate. Even cold kimbap would be as delicious as a new one if cooked like this.

She put her chopsticks in her mouth and looked at the clock. It was just past 1 p.m. It was about time. She texted on her phone: When are you coming?

She put a kimbap in her mouth and started chewing. Just then, she was reminded of the kimchi that her mother-in-law sent her. Some sour kimchi and kimbap fried in egg would be a fantastic combo. She put some kimchi on a cutting board and pressed down on it with a knife. Along with a crunchy slicing sound, the kimchi was sliced in half. The sound alone was tasty. She sliced it into bite-size pieces and put it in a container before putting the remainder in a separate bowl. She washed her hands and checked the time again. It was past the time that he would be here. She wiped up the water and tried calling. She was greeted by a simple phone call sound instead of a special ringtone. She put her phone against her ear and shoulder and picked up a tray with both of her hands. She put the tray on the living room table and grabbed her phone. The person she was calling had not yet picked up.

“It looks like your father is busy.”

She sat on the sofa. It was strange. That person never went against his promises or was late without contacting her first. He would’ve called if something happened. Perhaps he was so busy that he couldn’t even call? She looked at the kimbap on the plate. As she had re-cooked a once-cooled food, it would go bad if it cooled down again. She wanted to eat it with him when it was warm if possible.

She lay against the sofa and kept staring at the steaming kimbap. It was definitely a waste of energy to be worried about a fully grown man being late. She knew that as well. Soon enough, that person would open the door and come in, or call to say that he was going to be late. She put her hands between her thighs and curled up. It became a little cold. Perhaps she should turn on the boiler after all? She stood up from her seat and walked over to the thermostat. The gloomy space from before caught her eyes again. It was a shadow cast by the TV console. Why was it that that place kept catching her eye? She couldn’t tell. That place should always have been gray.

She crouched down and looked at the gray space. When she blinked, she found a small rabbit. It was that rabbit from before. She tried to call out to her in joy - Hello. However, the moment she made eye contact with the rabbit, she lost all her words. She forgot about what she was going to say. The rabbit just stared at her with its red eyes. She noticed that the rabbit’s eyes were on the front door. At the same time, the bell rang. She turned around. When she turned back again, the rabbit had disappeared. She felt like the rabbit had something to say.

“Coming,” she said as she walked to the door.

Was the flower she ordered here? She opened the door when she heard that it was a delivery. A man gave her a long cardboard box.

“Thank you.”

She received the box and closed the door. She cut open the tape with a box knife and opened the box. There, she saw a single chrysanthemum flower wrapped in white paper. She smiled and took out the flower. It was quite pretty. Just as she was looking at whether it was damaged in any way, a thought suddenly crossed her mind – why did I order a chrysanthemum flower again?

Crash – a loud noise that made her heart skip a beat could be heard outside the door. Startled, the flower in her hand fell on the ground. She calmed down and walked over to the porch. She unlocked the door and carefully opened it, wondering what must’ve happened for there to be such a loud sound.

She peeked outside the door. What caught her eyes was a pedestrian crossing with white and black stripes. Perhaps she was dreaming? She was supposed to see the front door to the opposite apartment, but she was seeing a pedestrian crossing instead. She looked around to see what was happening. She was in a world of pitch black with only the pedestrian crossing. It was a bad dream. She hoped that she woke up quickly.

Just then, she felt warmth from her right hand. When she raised her head, she found that person, with a smile telling her not to worry about anything. Her tension disappeared in an instant. She felt like she would be able to receive any nightmare gladly as long as she was next to this person.

He took his first step onto the crossing. She tried to walk next to him. However, her feet didn’t move. An indescribable nervousness and ominousness pressed down on her entire body. She called out to him, who was walking forward, saying that they should stop for a bit, nay, that they should find a different path altogether.

He then said,

“This is not your fault.”

Her memory wriggled. A fresh scream escaped through the crack of her lips. She grabbed his hand with both of her hands and fell on her butt. No, you can’t, stop, please, don’t go - she begged like a little child throwing a tantrum. However, he did not stop. Just like how a full-speed train would keep on going even after putting on the brakes, he kept walking forward. A vicious momentum pulled him forward. Just where did it begin? Just where did it all go wrong? Just how did it come to this?

He was hit by the car and was blown away. She helplessly watched as he fell. A feeling of powerlessness that stole away all the motivation in her body hit her. Her neck lost its strength and her head drooped down. The only thing that entered her eyes was the gray asphalt; it was a terrifying gray.

* * *

“You should go inside and get some rest. You don’t look good.”

She was startled and raised her head. Gaeul wasn’t able to say anything as she looked at Maru’s mother who caressed her shoulders as she spoke.

“No, I’m okay.”

Just when had she fallen asleep? Gaeul was about to stand up with her black skirt but fell back down again. Her vision turned blank.

“You’re making me uneasy.”

Gaeul clenched her teeth. Who was she getting consoled by? The person who should be feeling the saddest was right in front of her. She was unable to speak because of her guilt. Bada, who was next to her, supported her, asking her if she was okay. Gaeul stood up with the help of Bada. Just then, a photo appeared in her eyes. Seeing him create a warm smile like that, her knees trembled. The number of chrysanthemums in front of him had increased. It seemed more people had visited.

“Unni, get some rest. You’ve been up for two straight nights. You’ll really fall ill like this.”

She felt like she was inconveniencing everyone. She followed Bada into a rest area next to the funeral hall. It was a desolate place with just two chairs against the white wall. Bada pulled over a chair for her to sit on.

“Have you eaten anything? You haven’t, have you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

She thought that she had no more tears to shed, but they started flowing again. Bada consoled her and hugged her. Bada’s chin against her shoulder was trembling. Gaeul hugged Bada and started crying. Tears containing the same wavelength of sadness poured out endlessly.

“Unni, wait a moment. I’ll bring you something.”

“I’m okay.”

“Don’t say that and eat something. You don’t look good. I’m sure oppa doesn’t want you to be sick.”

Bada left. She felt like her time had stopped on the crossing that day. She couldn’t tell how many days had passed, or how long she had been up for. It would be better if everything came to a stop here like how a movie can be paused and ended. However, time would flow regardless of the emotions of an individual. Gaeul hated that fact. He had come to a stop. She did not want to walk forward by herself. She wanted to be with him, wherever he was.

“Unni, take this.”

Bada brought some fruit, water, and her phone. A blue light was flickering at the top of her phone screen. It indicated that she had a missed call.

“You should get some sleep after eating.”

Bada left the resting area. Gaeul looked at the fruits for a while before moving her eyes to her phone. She moved her hands mechanically and opened the news section in a browser. She looked at the news at the top. Popular actor K’s drunk driving was the title. She clenched her jaws so hard that she felt like her molars were going to crack. Weak heart, first offense, taking into account usual behavior – all sorts of words that messed with her mind whizzed past. Her heart burned down. Gaeul placed her hand on her chest and clenched it. Rage burned the walls of her stomach. Uncontrollable anger invigorated her dulled senses. This was not the time to be here. She had to go find that son of a bitch.

“And what are you going to do once you’re there?”

She raised her head. A woman wearing a white suit was looking down at her.